Bailey is my second child. She’s blonde and has beautiful periwinkle eyes and a squished little Shrek-baby nose that I love to pinch. Also, she totally sucks. Here are pictures of her from this summer. Knowing that getting her to let me take a good picture would be like trying to bathe a cat, I told her she can do one silly one, but then I want a serious picture. This is what I get:
The silly one…
And the serious one…
Bailey was born with a bad attitude. She’s stubborn, independent, and painfully shy. On top of all that, she’s afraid of literally every living creature and anything that moves and/or makes noise, and she hasn’t voluntarily eaten anything since she was six months old. Fortunately for me, God has kept me from tapping into my animal instincts to eat her shortly after she was born, by making her the funniest person I have ever met. Bailey’s mind works on a totally different wavelength than my other kids. She says the most bizarre things, and I have no idea where she comes up with this stuff. Over the years I have posted some of her best quotes on Facebook, and it turns out that everyone else finds her just as entertaining as I do. So here are some of Bailey’s greatest hits, with pictures of her at roughly the age she was when she said them.
Me- “I haven’t seen that cat around for a while.”
Bailey- “Maybe it ate a poison sea urchin and died.”
Bailey’s New Years resolution when she was three was to “do karate better.”
"Tag your it! Now tag my it, Kylie! Kylie! Tag my it!! Tag MY it!!!"
Apparently I needed to explain the difference between “Tag, you’re it”, and “Tag your it.”
"Dora has red eyes because she’s mad. She’s mad because she has moles." ~ Bailey, while coloring in her Dora coloring book.
We interrupt this blog post for a brief video from Bailey…
"My poops are coming out like Nem-Nems (M&Ms)."
"Ava wants a drink of your boob."
"When I was in my room, Kylie took my toy and I pushed her and I say ‘dammit’."
Another Brief video from Bailey…
Yesterday Bailey asked me if she could put on some deodorant and I said that would be fine. So she puts deodorant under one arm and then under the other arm and then (as if it were totally normal) applies deodorant under her chin and down her neck. I said “I don’t think you’re supposed to put it on your neck.” and she said “That’s how I like to.”
This was on the heels of her telling me (as if after lots of self reflection, she’s had some sort of epiphany) “I think… I’m gangster.”
"Ouch!! My poop feels like it’s shaped like a sailboat."
Bailey- “When I grow up I want to have 2 girls and 2 boys. The girl’s names are Kenna and Malasha. And the boys are Derek-Eric aaand…”
Me- “Your boys are Derek and Eric?”
Bailey- “No, that’s one boys name.”
Me- “What’s the other boy’s name?’
Bailey- “Hmmm… I’ll have to think about it.”
I had just given Bailey her 3rd stern talkin’ to of the night and sent her back to bed. When she got up stairs, I heard Kylie say, with great concern “What happened?” To which Bailey replied “She put lemon juice in my eyes.”
"Did you know Jack Black is real?"
"Ava says she doesn’t really like your glasses."
Bailey- “Is that the president?”
Me- “No. That’s the Quaker Oats guy.”
"Can I wear my shirt like this to school so it looks like I got chased by snakes and squirrels?"
Me- “How was school today?”
Bailey- “Horrible!! We just had to watch a play and it took for an hour and we didn’t even get a snack! I’m never going to speak of it!!”
"I’m going to wear this shirt to school tomorrow even though it’s ugly. It’s ok because I sit alone."
Later Bailey walks up to me with her underwear hiked up above her belly and asks “Does this make me look younger?”
Bailey was sitting at the kitchen table begrudgingly eating her mac n’ cheese when she said “I’m outta here.. I’m gonna go live in a volcano.”
"I think I’m the only kid in this childhood."
"Abracadabra! Alakazam! Fresno!"
"Mock my words, I will surrender you!!"
Me- “You have your daddy’s hair. His hair is curly, too. You just can’t tell because it’s short.”
Bailey- “Just like Obama. Is Obama his uncle?”
"I don’t want poop-hands. That’s why I don’t touch bugs."
Bailey came downstairs so I could check to make sure her butt is clean. She bent over in front of me and she had a heart with an arrow going through it drawn in ballpoint pen on her butt cheek. So I asked the obvious question “Why do you have a heart with an arrow going through it drawn on your butt?” and her answer was “Kylie told me not to tell you!!!” and then she ran off.
Bailey’s sitting at the dinner table poking at her green beans.
Bailey- “Why can’t I just skip eating my green beans?”
Me- “Why do you think?”
Bailey- “Because they’re magic?”
Me- “What? No. Because they’re good for you.”
"My most favorite kind of spaghetti is the Chinese spaghetti made by the Chinese people."
Bailey wanted to do “homework” while Kylie does her reading so I’m having her write the letters of the alphabet and then a picture of something that starts with each letter. For D she drew a duck but then said it didn’t look like a duck. She said “It looks like a person in a duck costume.” and it really did! Then for the letter G I asked her to pick something that starts with the “Guh” sound she said “Uhhh… Gouse?” Then I said “what the hell is a gouse?” and without missing a beat, she said “It’s a really humongous mouse that’s half dinosaur.”
I decided to have Bailey name the stray cats that live on our street in hopes that it might help her get over her fear of cats. She named the black and white one Shel, the orange one is Crown and the white one with gray ears is Floppy on account that he has really big balls. I’m so proud.
Bailey- “Does Daddy have ten dollars?”
Bailey- “Then he has enough dollars to buy Flex-seal! It covers all the holes.”
"What if I had a gold tooth? It would be awesome if I had a gold tooth."
"I love Ava more than Steven Tyler."
Bailey- “Our bathroom smells like a butthole.”
Me- “Ok. Do you want cut up bananas in your cereal?”
Bailey- “No. I hate bananas in my cereal. It makes it taste like a butthole.”
"Everybody looks good with a mustache."
"That’s a vicious stereotype!!"
Me- “So what do you think? You like your new clothes for Basketball Camp?”
Me- “What don’t you like about them?”
Bailey- “My forehead.”
"I want to watch fat people doing ballet." Bailey, on what she wants to watch on Youtube.
Me- “Are you this weird at school?”
Bailey- “I do nothing at school! I just sit and color and flip patties.”
"I’m Batman, with a capitol ‘AN’!! Whatever ‘a capitol’ means…"
Bailey- “Can I eat this ketchup packet?”
Bailey- “Can I rub it all over me so it looks like I’m covered in blood?”
Bailey hit Ben with her purse earlier and indignantly yelled “I am a married woman!”
Ben- “You don’t have to eat your rice, but you still have to eat your broccoli.”
Bailey (looking very skeptical - “Did you check with Mommy. Because she never likes your plans.”
"Ava isn’t a human bean yet. She’s just a baby bean. She’s still in her sack. We are all out of our sacks, and Ava is still in her sack because she’s not a human bean."
I sent Bailey to the corner for spitting on Kylie’s food.
Me- “Don’t spit ever again. It’s gross.”
Bailey- “Then how will I brush my teeth?”
Me- “You can spit when you brush your teeth, just don’t spit on people or their food.”
Bailey- “Can I spit on my own food?”
Kylie- “Lick this pickle.”
Bailey- “No! It tastes like my mother’s butt!”
I will leave you with this final video.